Feeling confident and safe to be you

Fiona: 00:02

We often think of wellbeing as one-dimensional. What if we look at it from a different perspective?

Josephine: 00:08

The possibilities are endless. All we have to do is step outside the square.

Let's walk this walk together and hold on tight for the ride.

Fiona: 00:16

My name is Fiona. I'm a corporate wellness facilitator, body image and eating psychology coach and a lover of joyful experiences.

Josephine: 00:24

And I'm Josephine, a dietitian, somatic release therapist and a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist.

Fiona and Josephine: 00:30

Welcome to Outside the Square.

Fiona: 00:35

Welcome to our bonus episode. I cannot believe that we have made it to the end of another season of podcast.

Today, I think we are so excited to be here. And how can we feel confident? How confident? confidence can help us to feel safe, how safety can make us feel confident, and how we bring a lot of what we've talked about in this season together to really amplify our feelings and get to that next level of joy and confidence.

Josephine: 01:13

Confidence and self-trust are my favourite things to talk about, to coach on, it's been my own personal journey for the last two or three years.

So, yeah, this is going to be fun.

Fiona: 01:27

Yeah, and I think the reason why both of us love talking about this in the context of coaching, that self-trust, that self-confidence is because it impacts so much of our lives.

So you and I see people who experience discomfort and having fear around food, around body, around emotions. around, you know, how do I move away from dieting?

How do I get away from emotional eating? How do I, help myself feel comfortable when I'm exercising or when I'm moving?

And all of those things are about how you feel in yourself. And so self trust and confidence building those two muscles are the things that are going to help flow into those other areas where we see those pain points for people.

Josephine: 02:26

And sometimes we have so many emotions getting in the way of us actually trusting ourselves, trusting our body to tell us when we're full, when we're hungry, or when we need to sleep, what we need, even though there's this amazing resource in our body that can simplify all the messages out there about what we ‘should’ be doing to apply it to ourselves.

To really just take the pressure of ourselves. There's too many emotions like anxiety, like fear, like disappointment, shame that sit there and block us from actually being able to rest into the self-trust and the self-knowledge and the self-confidence that we've got this.

There is just too much noise in the way.

Fiona: 03:17

Yeah, I'm reminded of season one, episode two, it was one of our first episodes where we talked about well-being overwhelm and we talked about how we get so many different health messages from all sorts of different areas and we get all this other information.

We hear all of these things that's going on out there, couple that with the emotions that we're already feeling and as you say that it's almost like too much information overload and actually what that does is shut us down.

So it's about, how do we come back to ourselves? How do we look inwards rather than looking outwards for the answers?

Josephine: 04:03

Yeah, confidence is a doing word. It's confidence in actually taking the actions. But under that, the self-trust and the self-esteem to actually listen to ourselves and honour ourselves.

That’s there. I think that's the piece that you're referring to there Fi. Is going onwards to have that deep knowing that the answers are within you and what works for someone else is not going to work for you necessarily.

Fiona: 04:34

And I think that we have all experienced that in some part of our life. We've all had that moment where we're doing something.

It might be a craft. It might be cooking something. It might be having communication with someone, it might be a task at work where you have that knowledge and that confidence and that trust that what you're doing is the right thing, that you're doing it in a way that is the best way for you to do it, right?

I think we've all experienced that. So it's how do we grow that feeling and experience that in more areas of our lives.

Josephine: 05:21

Yeah, absolutely. And that safety that you mentioned comes first, like you don't get to step out with confidence and take confident actions and make confident decisions unless you actually feel safe and familiar with what's happening for you internally.

Where do we start Fiona? Where do we start?

Fiona: 05:44

I’m going to take a line from yourself Josephine, and say, as always, the first step is awareness. It is around understanding and creating that awareness of when I'd like to start by saying when have you felt that confidence, when have you felt that safety and really think about and reflect on that experience. What was happening? Who was there? What else was going on? and actually really dive deep into one of those moments where you felt really confident and really safe to be making whatever decision it was or doing whatever it was you were doing, unpack that.

That's going to get you to be able to start seeing some of the parts that are going to help you build this in other areas.

So I think that awareness piece is always that first step. but really being able to pinpoint something and unpack it.

Josephine: 06:57

Yes, awareness of the times where you feel confident and, and for me, I always say, awareness of times when you don’t as well, awareness of the times when you feel that overwhelmed.

And what we like to teach in this podcast is how to spend time with the emotions, that are blocking you from this feeling of confidence, the things that come up that consume you.

So, yeah, how can you really sit with those emotions, give them some time and some space to be felt so that you can get back to a feeling of peace once you've felt them for 90 seconds.

Like we did in season one, episode three. The shift in your physical body and your emotions is often tangible after doing that activity and you start to allow more of that confidence to come in despite your external reality, what either fears you might have, whatever reality you might have with your health concerns, with whatever things society is telling you about your body or your health, you can sit with the discomfort of those things and come back to a place of peace where you have that little bit of trust to take the next step yourself.

Fiona: 08:15

Yeah, and I think self-trust is one of those things, you know, when we think about how we build trust with people, it takes time, right?

And it can take time with yourself as well, you know, if we think about you and me, Josephine, when did we meet, what, three, four years ago now, and we were in a group container and we were being asked to share things virtually with a group of strangers at the time. And that can make you feel really vulnerable and over time when we had those regular calls with that group you know we start to connect with different people and hear different stories and see yourself in different people and that starts to build that trust right? And we're now at a place where we've created two seasons of a podcast because we've built trust with each other to know that we can create these magical conversations and we know that because of the feedback that you guys our listeners have been providing to us as well.

We love hearing from you about how valuable these conversations are for you.

Josephine: 09:36

And that moment where you feel understood because someone has a story that is similar to you, strikes a cord with you makes you get an emotional response in your body.

Like in that group that Fiona was talking about, there were so many times when someone would write a post in our Facebook group or speak into a video call their deep pain that they're experiencing in their moment, be it with their kids or another relationship or their business or just their own internal feelings of not enoughness, which is such a universal wound, that you know I would cry just feeling like there's someone else out there that is the same as me and before long the whole group realised well we've all got, we're all the same and we can all share anything as a way to speed up our healing because once the shameful pain is out there in this safe space it's like it just starts to dissolve and disappear within you.

It's like getting that moment where you're so much lighter, you've let it go, you've shared it, the burden is shared.

And yeah, I found it so helpful to start shifting into another level of confidence. Once I shared the level of pain I had around that.

Fiona: 10:58

And when we think about that trust piece, that's around how we trust each other, how we create that safety for other people, how we allow other people to trust us with their pain.

And also, building that trust within yourself to be able to see yourself in other people's stories.

Josephine: 11:20

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And we're at a point where we want to invite you to dive deeper with us. If you think you can be someone who can safely hold space in a group for other people to share their stories about body and food, then you're likely someone who also would appreciate being heard and seen. While that feels really scary. If the group is safe, if you think you can do that for others, be the safe person for others, then I know that in whatever way you feel comfortable whether it's text or getting on a video call, you'll be able to share some of your story too.

You might just surprise yourself and how valuable having that safe space is for you.

Fiona: 12:08

Because I think one of the things that happens in containers like that where you have a safe group experience is that you really realise that you are not alone.

And I think when we talk about building confidence and we talk about building trust, when we think about the fears that come up for ourselves. I don't know about you, but for me there was always a sense that I was alone.

And that compounded that fear, right? Because/e I felt like I was the only one who felt that way. And so for me, part of the confidence journey in getting confidence with myself is realizing that I'm not alone and being able to be accepted in the way that I show up in a safe space.

Josephine: 13:11

Yeah, and often those moments of emotional eating when our emotions feel so strong or our failure of the day feels so uncomfortable or just something feels off and we need to have a drink or we need to have some food, they are alone moments.

And so you can really get this sense of like, well, what if I shared some of that load with others?

Well, If I actually had to put words on it at a specific time, every week or second week, what if I shared some of that consciously and you can start to get a sense of, oh yeah, well then what would happen to my emotional eating or my emotional drinking or whatever other forms of that may be, Netflix, pushing people away, icing people out when you can't deal with confrontation. Like what if I actually started to put words on some of the discomfort I'm feeling, like what would they do for me?

invite you to start to envisage that, yeah.

Fiona: 14:19

And I think when we talk about, you know, you and I both learnt about emotional release and that's a conversational process, right?

I don't know about you, but the number of imaginary conversations I have in my head with people and with myself with my, sort of unpacking experiences and things, all happening in my own head. It can be when you're then asked to share or to find words around that experience, that can come out so differently to the way you imagined it in your head.

So I imagine a conversation, I go, this is what I'm going to say, this is where I'm going to be, and then I get there and I go to say it that's completely different, right?

And I think that's the power of being able to share things, be able to really feel what's going on is because there is a difference between what happens internally and what we're able to put out there.

And there is so much power in that.

Josephine: 15:34

Yeah, and sometimes it's just watching someone else go first and and then being able to see like, oh gosh, yeah, I'm the same.

I hadn't actually framed it in that way yet. Yet I'm experiencing this too. This is something I am numbing with food.

I just hadn't consciously been aware of that. The fact that that is the thing that I'm numbing. And that can be really powerful because as you said Fiona, that's awareness.

Someone else's awareness nugget has brought that awareness up in you. And you don't need to share anything.

You don't even need to be on the live call. But sometimes by watching them replay, I would start to feel these things land in my body, like thin, tight, nervousness in my stomach, all of a sudden released.

And I felt expensive just by listening to someone else share their story of their own nervousness or guilt or whatever was happening to them at that time.

When I didn't have to share it myself. It just... I got that healing through another person.

Fiona: 16:40

Yeah. I think the other benefit of hearing other people's vulnerability, hearing other people's stories, is if it can sometimes give you different language as well.

So when you resonate with what someone else says, yes, that's exactly what I'm feeling. You can then use that language and quite often you'll find that you build upon it.

It actually gives you a doorway to actually expand your own language and understanding of what you're going through as well.

And this is why, you and I have created our program to create a safe container to be able to allow that type of experience.

Because some of you who are listening might resonate with that experience that Josephine just shared there. Based on something you've heard in the podcast already, one of the stories that we shared, that might have helped you in your own healing. And if it has, then we'd like to invite you to go a little deeper.

Let's go to the next level together, where we might bring another little level of vulnerability and fear to how you're going to approach your healing.

But what we've created or what we're creating is this safe space. Right, where we're going to have some live calls, we've got a Facebook group where we can have written stories as well.

So if you're not comfortable sharing live in a call, you can listen to other people's stories, but you could also share yours with words, as you said, Josephine.

And be able to put some of these practices that we've already been speaking about in the podcast into practice. and then go a little deeper with them.

Because sometimes when we start to practice these things, there's a bit of resistance. Sometimes we try one thing and say, oh yeah, that, didn't really like it, so I'm not going to do it again.

But what we might want to do is actually practice it. When we think about confidence, when we think about trust, that self-trust, I said, trust is built over time.

So we need to practice these things to get trust and confidence in those processes in the way that they can help and support your healing.

Josephine: 19:14

Yeah, I'd like you to take a minute to think about, I invite you to think about how often do you feel unsafe in your body?

How often do you feel like I'm not sure what if can trust myself to commit to getting regular movement for myself.

I'm not sure if I can trust myself to communicate what I want in this relationship. And then also think about how often do you feel safe?

How often do you feel confident expressing your needs and your boundaries? Because we need those things to put ourselves first.

And how often do you feel safe in your food decisions and your movement decisions and your decision to rest or work?

And you start to get a sense of like, oh yeah, this is going to take practice, feeling safe in my needs, feeling safe and feeling my own emotions.

It's going to take time. And I'm really committed to that process. This is my day job. Yet, I still have my own coaches to make sure that I don't get too busy to practice this frequency of being safe in my body and get to experience that feeling on a daily basis, so that I can start to live that way. It's very easy for me to forget still.

Our brain is wired for the unconscious bias where we look for the things in the world that make us unsafe, so that the tiger doesn't eat us alive.

Yet we live in this modern world where there are the tigers everywhere. Our timelines, our responsibilities, just our cell phones, you know, there things that put us on high alert all day, every day, which put us back into unsafety.

And if you think, actually, I do want to commit to feeling safe, and I do want someone safe, or a group of safety, like, Fiona and I, if you feel safe with us, then we invite you to come into the container so that you are via an accountable for feeling safety within yourself more regularly until it becomes something that you're really familiar with and can start to feel and to drop into it when you need to.

Fiona: 21:48

And some of these things that we've been talking about already in this episode are things that you can do now.

That reflection piece, that awareness piece, practicing some of the things that we've already shared on the podcast.

These are all things that you've likely been starting to take some small steps towards. But as you say, Josephine, it can be hard to remember to do that regularly.

It can be hard with the busyness of life. We did an episode just a couple of weeks ago about the busyness of life and how we create space and sometimes committing to something where you are in a container and you're focusing on it. Is going to give you such deeper tools and such deeper reminders in how you can commit to it, how you can bring it into your daily life and being able to come back after you've tried it yourself and go this bit didn't work or I struggled to bring it in here or this is the feeling that came up for me or I got interrupted when I tried to do that practice where do I find the space that's really where the next level comes in where you can have support to remind yourself to come back and try again or try something different or move into that space maybe with a different energy or a different perspective. I think that's really that next sort of level up. So great tips for being able to do some of this yourself and if you're ready to take the next step and move to that next level, that's really what our group program 12 weeks to confidence is really all about.

Josephine: 23:50

Yeah absolutely, we all have resistance, we all have stuckness and that is part of the process that I always say in my client, there's no failure when you're working with me.

If you had a practice that you committed to and you didn't do it, there is a reason and there's so much juice in that reason that I still want you to come to the session and share that you didn't do it.

So that we can see, okay this block is real right now within you. What is this block? And start to get really curious about this level of resistance and about where your body does feel safe. What is the next small step for you that is safe ad is achievable once we release it with that block and that little bit of resistance?

Fiona: 24:40

Yeah, because, you know, everybody's at different stages, at different times with different things and it is sometimes just about meeting that resistance with some curiosity or just looking at it, just being able to say, what is that resistance?

Without feeling like a failure for not doing the activity, not doing the thing, not doing the homework or whatever it is, I am the same with my clients when I ask them to try something and they'll often agree in a session, yeah, I'm going to try that.

Let's give that a go and then we come back next week and they go, I couldn't do it. And quite often there's a sense of failure or a sense of I don't want to come back because I didn't do it and I don't want to tell you that I didn't do it but for me it's that's not a failure that's more information and that's more okay you had the commitment you wanted to try it what is that resistance telling us absolutely.

Josephine: 25:47

Yeah and failure is so often a signal that your expectations were too high to start with that there was some all or nothing thinking that you thought you had to do something perfect and set that priority just way too high for the reality of life and the reality of what happened in your week. So we invite you if you feel that you do have some all or nothing thinking that you have to get your diet perfect or your health perfect and that because of that you're always feeling like you need the measuring up and then this is the perfect space to explore that they're all or nothing thinking in how hard it can make it for ourselves.

And I also want to say confidence is so different for everyone that we might have introverts and extroverts in this group.

I would call myself an introverted extrovert. Everyone's always looked at me and thought I was confident but I knew inside that I wasn't serving myself, that I was putting on a brave face to make other people around me comfortable, to live up to, to people please, basically, to live up to the expectations I felt were upon me yet I was doing a disserve us to myself.

I was getting burnt out, I was getting tired and I wasn't meeting my own needs. And that is exactly what we started this episode saying is that confidence is not what you look like on the outside, it's feeling safe being you and the real me was incredibly hidden even though I had the extroverted i, that it vaneer. It was a mask that I was used to wearing from a young age. So you might feel like you are an introvert or you're an extrovert.

It doesn't matter, confidence is different, confidence is the feeling of being safe within you and resting in that and glowing and being a magnet to the people and opportunities that are right for you because you do have the safety and this peace within you.

Fiona: 27:53

Yeah, beautiful. So we've got an early bird special happening at the moment to join up for our program 12 weeks to confidence and you'll save 400 US dollars at the moment until the 31st of March 2024 and the program starts on the 29th of April.

So if you missed the early bird you'll still be be able to sign up but 29th of April is go day for feeling confident or beginning your journey to feel confident with food, with body, with emotions and how that translates to everywhere else in your life.

We've got a link in the show notes with all the information and we've also got a highlight reel over on our outside the square podcast Instagram page where we have shared some Q&A's some, all the details of what's included around having a Facebook group, having live calls and feel free to come over there to ask any questions that you have if you want to know something about what's included or how you can get involved in the program please come across either to our Instagram or both of our email addresses are also in the show notes.

So as we farewell season two of Outside the Square podcast for now, we are so excited to be able to continue working with some of you in the live program next and we look forward to being back on the airwaves with season three sometime soon after that.

Josephine: 29:44

And we hope that you prioritise you feeling safe to be you, that frequency of confidence in your own way and see you in season three.

Josephine: 29:56

Before we finish up for today, we would like to acknowledge the original custodians of the lands on which our podcast is created, the Ngāi Tahu people of Aotearoa New Zealand,

Fiona: 30:05

and the Cammeraygal people of the Eora Nation Australia. We pay our respects to elders past, present and emerging and to all our listeners who identify as Aboriginal, Torres Straight Islander, or Maori.

Josephine: 30:18

We love connecting with you, our listeners and talking about the topics that mean the most to you. Reach out to us on Instagram at Outside the Square Podcast and let us know what you want to hear more of.

Fiona: 30:28

Until next week, keep stepping outside your square.